6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
