Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
