I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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