Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
