fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
