2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
