so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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