: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
