ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
