i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
