I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Everyone says I win the strip club
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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