just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
