I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
