Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I will pee on everything he values.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
