I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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