she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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