your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
