I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
