I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize