i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Alive.
So much puke
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
