you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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