Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
