I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
nutella sex= disaster
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
