My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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