dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
