He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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