my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
