I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
