my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
