hell yes lets make some ravioli
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
