My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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