PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
