Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
