Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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