my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
