Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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