New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
