Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
