There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
