I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
