We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize