One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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