im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
