its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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