just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
