Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize