My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
