All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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