my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
