4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I looked at my own cervix.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
