Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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