And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
