so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
