im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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