my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
