Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I want to have your abortion
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
