Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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