Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
