Got a toothbrush?
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize