I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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