When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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