Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
