Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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