Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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